четверг, 16 октября 2008 г.

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So Iapos;m on the computer at work Iapos;m trying to check hotmail so I start typing it and I see a dodgy web site in the history.� I knew what it was, and part of me wanted to assume it was nothing really.� I donapos;t even know why I did this but I typed girls in and sure enough there was other sites listed too.� Itapos;s not that Iapos;m shocked to have found it, its just disturbing to me because I donapos;t want to know, I donapos;t want to be connected to that part of his life.� It just reminds me of all the times he was sitting in that chair watching it while I was home and how Iapos;d always have a hard time leaving my room because I feared he was in that chair.� Itapos;s definitey shook me up a bit.� I find it difficult to cope with, I find everything difficult to cope with which is why Iapos;m so dysfunctional I suppose.� It definitely upsets me, I guess these days it doesnapos;t take much at all though.� Guess Iapos;m just realy fragile.� All the better that Iapos;m going to try and buy a house, because its what I need.� I need more distance, I need to be living elsewhere.� So thatapos;ll be good for me, maybe as not as good that Iapos;ll be alone.� I mean I intend to get a 2 or 3 bedroom place so I can always rent the room out like if Jen ever feels like she wants to move then its there, but Iapos;ll leave as soon as I basically can.� Iapos;m really looking forward to that certain type of privacy and independence that I canapos;t have here.
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среда, 15 октября 2008 г.

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Iapos;m so disappointed in everything.. Sometimes i wonder why am i even here. Whats my life all about? What do i live for? Why am i here?
Donapos;t know why am i feeling this way. Iapos;ll cheer up soon but just not now.

Anw, i went to the hospital for my blood test yesterday. Requested for a baby needle again. I was damn scared as usual, i had to draw 2 tubes of blood this time. O.o yup, i was shock when the nurse showed me 2 tubes.

Nurse:
Just 2 small tubes of blood. Donapos;t be afraid.
I looked at the tubes and thought if she was crazy? Cos the tubes look gigantic to me..
Me: How long will it take???
I was alr v nervous and jittery at that moment. Kept fidgeting nervously.
Nurse rubbed some alcohol thing on my arm and said "Not long", ready to poke needle in.
I stopped her just before she could poke the needle in..
Me: Give me another 10 secs plsssss
Then i started to cry..
Nurse: Are you afraid of the needles or are you afraid of the pain? -smiled gently-
Me: both i guess? you can poke me now..
Then i felt the needle going in and i started to sob louder. I covered my face with my jacket so that my tears could be soaked up and my sobs muffled.
After forever..
Me: Is it done yet?
Nurse: Another 2 minutes.
Me: Soooo looong?
Nurse: 2 seconds more. Ok done.
She pulls needle out and continued to chat.
I donapos;t really remember what the conversation was from here on. I was just glad that the needle was out.
Nurse: I was expecting you to scream..
I laughed and teared at the same time.
Me: Im a v quiet person.

brrrrr, i hate needles My next appointment will be next week. Grrrr. 2 trips to the hospital every month. -.-
Such a waste of time.


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