So Iapos;m on the computer at work Iapos;m trying to check hotmail so I start typing it and I see a dodgy web site in the history.� I knew what it was, and part of me wanted to assume it was nothing really.� I donapos;t even know why I did this but I typed girls in and sure enough there was other sites listed too.� Itapos;s not that Iapos;m shocked to have found it, its just disturbing to me because I donapos;t want to know, I donapos;t want to be connected to that part of his life.� It just reminds me of all the times he was sitting in that chair watching it while I was home and how Iapos;d always have a hard time leaving my room because I feared he was in that chair.� Itapos;s definitey shook me up a bit.� I find it difficult to cope with, I find everything difficult to cope with which is why Iapos;m so dysfunctional I suppose.� It definitely upsets me, I guess these days it doesnapos;t take much at all though.� Guess Iapos;m just realy fragile.� All the better that Iapos;m going to try and buy a house, because its what I need.� I need more distance, I need to be living elsewhere.� So thatapos;ll be good for me, maybe as not as good that Iapos;ll be alone.� I mean I intend to get a 2 or 3 bedroom place so I can always rent the room out like if Jen ever feels like she wants to move then its there, but Iapos;ll leave as soon as I basically can.� Iapos;m really looking forward to that certain type of privacy and independence that I canapos;t have here.
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